As a reminder, you can read what this project is all about for me right here on this post: A PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHY PROJECT
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“She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire.”
That quote by Charles Bukowski has long been a favorite of mine, and he is an author I have long admired. But, I only recently, two or so weeks ago, discovered what specific work of his the quote was from. I was surprised by this discovery and I’ve been haunted by it ever since. Read it for yourself….
An Almost Made Up Poem
by Charles Bukowski
I see you drinking at a fountain with tiny
blue hands, no, your hands are not tiny
they are small, and the fountain is in France
where you wrote me that last letter and
I answered and never heard from you again.
you used to write insane poems about
ANGELS AND GOD, all in upper case, and you
knew famous artists and most of them
were your lovers, and I wrote back, it’s all right,
go ahead, enter their lives, I’m not jealous
because we’ve never met. we got close once in
New Orleans, one half block, but never met, never
touched. so you went with the famous and wrote
about the famous, and, of course, what you found out
is that the famous are worried about
their fame –– not the beautiful young girl in bed
with them, who gives them that, and then awakens
in the morning to write upper case poems about
ANGELS AND GOD. we know God is dead, they’ve told
us, but listening to you I wasn’t sure. maybe
it was the upper case. you were one of the
best female poets and I told the publishers,
editors, ” her, print her, she’s mad but she’s
magic. there’s no lie in her fire.” I loved you
like a man loves a woman he never touches, only
writes to, keeps little photographs of. I would have
loved you more if I had sat in a small room rolling a
cigarette and listened to you piss in the bathroom,
but that didn’ happen. your letters got sadder.
your lovers betrayed you. kid, I wrote back, all
lovers betray. it didn’t help. you said
you had a crying bench and it was by a bridge and
the bridge was over a river and you sat on the crying
bench every night and wept for the lovers who had
hurt and forgotten you. I wrote back but never
heard again. a friend wrote me of your suicide
3 or 4 months after it happened. if I had met you
I would probably have been unfair to you or you
to me. it was best like this.
“Your lover had betrayed you”
I am a 45 year old woman with plenty of dating experience over the years. I am a woman who knows damned well what the betrayal of lovers means. Discarded. Devalued. Tossed to the side. Like a piece of trash. This usually happens for one of two reasons: you make them wait too long for sex or you have sex with them. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. But, it is the most wrenching of feelings to feel used in this manner. Especially as you see it happening more and more frequently to all of your amazing single girlfriends that any man should be so lucky to date. It leaves you feeling like you may as well have had a bag over your head, like who you are doesn’t even matter…hence my Bag Lady project. It’s as if you are just an object to be attained, something to chase after. And, once you begin to let your guard down, to open up to them (figuratively and literally), they have had their fill and they are done with you. Oh sure, some will be polite enough when you reach out to them when you’re worried they are ghosting you. But, the chase is off, the enthusiasm to see you or talk to you has disappeared completely. It’s maddening and incredibly hurtful.
Sex addicts and narcissists
Is our easy porn access and instant gratification tendencies creating more porn addictions and narcissists? Could this be the reason that women are being discarded after intimacy or for not indulging in the act? This article describes lots of dating behaviors many of us are being bombarded by, so one can’t help but wonder if this is one of the causes for it. Or perhaps it’s our increasing inability to dive into deep waters and our preference for what’s shallow instead. Who knows? We, as a society, are truly missing out on forming valuable connections because of it though. We are so alone.
Show Some Human Decency and Be a Good Lover (that goes beyond the bedroom, by the way)
“So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
And, THAT (what the quote so eloquently described) should continue on without one or the other feeling discarded immediately afterwards. We are all adults now after-all. Aren’t we? Don’t make someone who lowered their guard for you regret it so quickly and for such an obvious reason. And, if sex is all you are looking for to begin with, be upfront about it. Sex is a pleasure all human beings like to take part in from time to time. You might get lucky. Or just hire an escort or visit a brothel. Seriously. But, don’t leave a woman feeling used up and empty inside. And, if it’s just the chase you’re after, well, grow the fuck up. You are men in your 40’s and 50’s now, after-all. Show some integrity. Or busy yourself in sports that get your adrenaline going or something. But, don’t toss a human being to the side like trash because you got what you wanted from them in a deceitful manner. You are missing out on her awakening to you when you do this, a blossoming that is the most beautiful site to behold. You hold much more power from empowering her than from causing her to shield herself against you (and the next fella) with even more armor to protect her heart.